ONE CONGREGATION'S EXPERIENCE

The Experience of a UU Church when one of their most beloved and respected lay leaders was found to be sexually abusing his adopted son and other children.
General Assembly Seminar, June 2007

Background
A charming, effective, respected and well-loved lay leader at the church had married his long term partner during that month when they could marry in Oregon. They had adopted a young boy years ago who was now 15. He had been being sexually abused by one of his fathers for several years. The abuse had grown to include two of his friends on the football team at school, but apparently no other children at the church itself. The abuser pled guilty and was sentenced to 18 years in prison.

Congregation
~ Confidentiality issues – minister/perpetrator/family
~ A phone call should be made asap to parents.
~ A letter should be sent to the congregation as soon as possible.
~ Set up congregational meetings immediately and as often as needed. Tell congregation
everything we know and everything we don’t know. The Sunday after the abuse became known, a congregational meeting should be held. Visitors will be should be asked to respect the congregation’s sorrow and so not remain for that meeting. It is also important to make sure that there were no members of the press at these meetings. The meeting is to bring ALL the information out – what we know, what we don’t know, open mike.
~ The meeting is also for folks to express themselves and their fears, but the balance of the gathering needs to remain on the positive side. Ask ahead of time for support in that from other strong lay leaders.
~ RE educators from nearby UU churches can do childcare during this meeting (and thus to support the congregation)
~ That same Sunday evening, the youth should also have a meeting as well, for similar reasons.
~ A slightly different letter should also be sent to the parents of children and youth who had most contact with the sex abuser, including how to talk to your own children about sex abuse, and when a meeting for parents will be held, including a tentative agenda.
~ The chat listservs are not the places for discussion about this kind of topic since they can spin out of control. Face to face meetings are. If listmembers cannot abide by that, the lists will be temporarily moderated or shut down.
~ People were not blaming each other, but that is a potential problem. Pull together – not inward.
~Pedophiles groom the whole congregation, not just the kids; pedophiles look into the future, too
~ In Catholic churches, it is extremely common for the congregants to jeer at and shun the VICTIM of a charming, personable, effective priest who abuses the children of the congregation
We need to give our children language to tell what is happening to them.


Minister and Leadership
~ Do not send thoughts by email at all or in letters that you do not want to see on the front page of the local paper. Avoid email communication about the situation since the forward button is too easy to press and because this is a face to face issue.
~ DEFINE RESPONSIBILITIES and BOUNDARIES for minister and lay leaders
~ ONE person in the congregation is designated to speak to the press
~ Involve the UUA in decision-making and for advice
~ Get an attorney immediately and hold a meeting of the Board - Have all the policies and procedures there to review. Good policies that are enforced are VITAL – and the policies must apply to ALL (and especially to the most well-loved/respected members).
~ The church should separate itself from the perpetrator, but the minister can reach out to the perp.
~ Confirm community – WE. The minister’s job is that of reassurance to the congregation
~ Note: Safer congregation – not “safe” congregation
~ Communicate often and carefully with whole congregation, but not by email
~ Get good newspaper coverage – having a prior relationship with a reporter is good. Statistics that showed (in the Atkinson case) that more hets abuse children than gay men, that gays are NOT abusers by definition, statistics and reason as well as heart statements. People abused as children can abuse, but not all people abused as children abuse others.
~ Interview and carefully choose sex abuse experts, set up meetings with these experts and all members who wish to attend as often as there are folks who want to attend. TALK ABOUT IT.
~ Finding a support system for the perp is important too – his family, his outside friends


Policies and Procedures suggestions:
~ Simple policies are better.
~ Be sure to do background and reference checks (although the Atkinson perpetrator had no record).
~ Have good policies and enforce them.
~ DEFINE RESPONSIBILITIES and BOUNDARIES for ministers, DRE, and lay leaders
~ Require at least one year involvement with congregation before allowing new members or friends to take responsibility for any children.
~ NO minors alone on the premises or with only one adult. PERIOD.
~ A covenantal relationship is VIP (??)

UU ministers, employees, lay leaders, the congregation and our children need to be trained in how to recognize potential abuse. We need to give our children language to tell what is happening to them.

Questions that came up over time:

• What are we teaching ourselves and our children about tolerance/too much tolerance…
• What is evil? Define AND understand…
• What is forgiveness? Forgiving too quickly, without understanding of what it is, is not a good thing either…

This is not all that we need to know, but this is what the UU church reporting at GA considered very important to share with other UU congregations.

Reported back by Martha Osgood