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Contact: Candee Cole, DRE

NOTE: Childcare is available,
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When Children Ask about War

The article below was co-written by the late Fred Rogers. Many of us were raised with Mr. Rogers and many families have “co-parented” with him. This article was originally written during the 1991 Gulf War to help children and adults deal with some of their concerns about the war. I hope you find his words as helpful to your family, as they have been to me. ~ Candee Cole, DRE

HELPING PARENTS, TEACHERS, AND CAREGIVERS
DEAL WITH CHILDREN'S CONCERNS ABOUT WAR
by Fred Rogers with Hedda Bluestone Sharapan

It is understandable that parents, teachers, and caregivers have struggled with feelings about how to communicate with children about the current world crisis. I wonder if we know how deeply each one of us is affected as we watch soldiers saying tearful farewells to family, reporters donning gas masks, and missiles demolishing targets. War is an emotional issue for all of us. As with all concerns about childhood, there are no magic answers, but we are glad to share with you some thoughts for helping children cope with the fears and uncertainties that TV's coverage of the war may have aroused.

LET YOUR CHILDREN KNOW ADULTS ARE TAKING CARE OF THEM—Above all, in any fearful time, children need to know that they are safe and that that their parents or guardians will take care of their needs. We each have our own ways of reassuring our children. One director of a day care center told us she could feel comfortable saying to the children, "I'm sad about the war, and I'm worried, but I love you, and I am here for you." Sometimes just a hug is enough.

We can also do our best to keep things as normal as possible. Knowing what to expect comforts children: continuing familiar routines can go a long way towards providing a feeling of security.

TURN OFF THE TV—Even very young children drink in television images, and the younger the children are, the more likely they are to be interested in close-up faces. Think of the close-up faces we see on television of people who are screaming in anger or sobbing from disaster that's struck their home and family. Are those the images we want our babies and toddlers to absorb?

LIMIT YOUR OWN TV VIEWING—It's very tempting to get drawn into watching war news around the clock, but adults must resist that temptation because it can lead to a feeling of fear and despair which their children can sense. Spend time with your children; they need you more than the newscasters in the world.

TALK WITH YOUR CHILDREN ABOUT WAR AND PEACE—Even if we wanted to, it would be impossible to help young children understand war. If they ask, "What is a war?," your best answer might be to ask them, "What do you think a war is?" If the answer is, "I don't know," then the simplest reply is best: "War is a very sad, unpleasant thing, and it's not your fault. Children may fight and they may pretend about war, but they don't make real wars, and I hope when you grow up you'll never have to make one either."

Older children are probably aware that something serious is happening in the world. If parents don't bring up the subject of the war to them, they may be left at the mercy of their misinterpretation. Of course, if a child chooses "not to think about war," respect that decision. Years later, that child will be better equipped to deal with harsh reality of battle. If forced to do so too soon, he or she could feel abused.

BE A GOOD LISTENER—Parents may be surprised to find out how much their children already know about the war. One mother asked her five-year-old if he knew what was on the news. She was stunned that he knew so much about the situation in such clear terms. She hadn't mentioned it up to that time, thinking it would be better to wait until he brought it up. He heard about it on the school bus. Her question gave both the mother and son a springboard for a discussion about the war, as well as a foundation for talks about other problems, so families may be able to benefit in many ways from these discussions.

MONITOR YOUR CHILDREN'S WAR PLAY - Play is one of the important ways children can work through their concerns. Of course, war play can become scary or unsafe, and at times like that, children need to trust that adults will be nearby, to stop the play when it becomes too scary. Adults can also redirect the play into caring and nurturing themes, perhaps by suggesting the building of a hospital for the wounded or making a pretend meal for the soldiers Focusing on the helpers reminds children that there are always helping people… so many caring people in this world.

HELP CHILDREN LEARN TO HANDLE ANGER CONSTRUCTIVELY—Anger is a normal feeling. Besides allowing children the right to their anger, we can also help them find creative solutions to their conflicts -- solutions that don't hurt others or themselves. By showing children how to deal with their anger in healthy ways, we are giving them useful tools that will serve them all life long and helping them to be the world's future peacemakers.

Further information can be found at these and other websites: